Bon Bon Eater

Learning is a priority over the carpet staying beautiful

So Nate,

You were home Thursday and yesterday but I'm not sure how you missed this stuff. It never seems to happen when you're here.

It started off innocent enough.

Until he started sweeping it off onto the floor.

Oh and eating it. (Oil and flour. Sasha liked it too)

So we found some trays aka damage control.

Vinny joined the fun and Rocky discovered how fun it is to crash excavators.

And lucky for me Sasha cleaned most of it up.

Like usual we ended up at the sink.

Except this time they discovered how fun it is to pour water on their heads.

Which meant their clothes got wet. And they convinced me they needed a shower.

With fingerpaints.

But wait it gets better. So fast forward to last night. And things are going good.

So I leave to make some smoothies.

And I hear Vinny yelling, "Mom, come here right now this is serious!"

 

So I rush back.

And that is how you got rice all in your suitcase.

But it's cool, because now you have a piece of home with you!

We miss you again.

 

 

Our favorite things list. Not at all comprehensive.

Okay so I started to type this up for a homeschooling group we're a part of but I realized I have friends near and far that I've been promising website and toy ideas too,  so I'll just post here for everyone. Go ahead and bookmark this page. I've spent years accumulating this stuff. Both links and physical stuff. I don't recommend digging in all at once. And there is plenty more. Maybe I'll do a part 2. I'm not known as the link and research queen of cool kid stuff for nothing. ;)

Our "library."

We can't always wait to get to the library to learn about stuff and the boys aren't so computer savvy, yet, so we keep our reference type books here.Yes superheros are a super important topic for referencing. (this one is our fav character guide)

And now for the good stuff: a collection of our favorite websites, "schoolish" things and some ideas/tips on how we foster creativity/facilitate learning/make life sparkly!

I love the watercolor paper and regular art supplies among other things from discount school supply

The artful parent has a good rundown of what to get if you're overwhelmed by the site.

Dick Blick is good if you’re looking for more specific or fancier types of art supplies

 

Some other math/sci-ency things I’ve been accumulating or putting on my wish list are:

Unifix cubes (ebay is a great resource for these types of things)  remember these?

Cuisenaire rods 

Geoboards, Vinny loves to play with this in front of the tv

Balance scale We tend to weigh legos.

Snap circuits are totally safe and a really fun way to explore electricity. Not expensive either. $20 for the smallest set.  

We love human body stuff so we love this little model of the brain, last dec I scored one for $4 including shipping so keep an eye out for deals

Our favorite human body book is a DK Eyewonder book In fact we love all the DK Eyewonder books. We rarely read them straight through but use them to find pictures and further discuss if we want more info.

   

We have a tendency to uh, tie up and send our schoolish things to jail sometimes.

Also Vinny favs and in the picture, the x-ray book and the human body model. We found ours at Bj's. Thank you grandma for the awesome stuff! She is totally responsible for 80% of the stuff on this whole list, second hand resources like ebay and used amazon, and even the salvation army, are other reasons we can afford to accumulate cool stuff!

Some other things we do that are great for facilitating learning:

Gardening

So far it's only been one year of veggies and not all that successful but we're all about the dirt, with plans to do it again this year. We're going heavy on the herbs too. The kids loved eating, smelling, sitting in them. I'll plant pretty much anything they ask me to. But the really fun stuff for us was strawberries, carrots and ground cherry tomatoes. We'll do lots and lots of ground and regular cherry tomatoes this year. Radishes are good for something that grows quickly (but we didn't love the taste, blech). I hear they are tricky but we may do potatoes this year. Last year our garlic was successful and there is something super fun about digging up stuff.

I love this awesome book with cool ideas like bean tents and sunflower houses, called Roots ,Shoots, Buckets, and Boots.

Remember this? Crossing my fingers that we're over this phase.

Cooking

I include the boys anytime I’m cooking if they are up for it, but I also try make to things that they would be more inclined  to participate in, so lots of cookies, homemade ice cream, pancakes. I also keep stuff that I might otherwise throw away, so they can mix them up in "experiments." Old beans/grains/flour/old cereal and sometimes we even use things like past date milk. We do a lot of mixing things up in a big ole pot. I keep vinegar, baking soda, and food coloring on hand. Borax and cornstarch too. We're big on dry mixing. Pastas, beans, and egg cartons and muffin tins, spoons and small cups, metal bowls, are great for sorting and counting. Or farming, as Vinny would describe it. "I'm a farmer mom, look at my field of beans!" When things get too messy we transfer to the sink where they "wash" dishes. Or rather pour and dump water with measuring cups, bowls, and spoons. Throw in some ice and you've got an afternoon covered.

Big ole pot of Eww

Invention box

I’ve  been adding to our “invention box.” We have things like rope, twine, duct tape, masking tape, electrical tape, various glues, zip ties, rubber bands, craft sticks, screws/nails/odds and ends left over from furniture, sand paper, real tools, ect We made all kinds of cool things last year like marshmallow shooters out of pvc pipes, nun chucks out of scrap foam, zip lines and bad guy traps with nylon ropes, mini catapults. If you don't have an invention box, drop everything right now and immediately designate one.

Resume skill: Can create wicked traps for any size bad guy or animal.

Nature

We have a special duffel bag filled with field guides and magnifying glasses. And binoculars! And bug boxes! (jars with holes will do too, I think we scored some cheap ones at the dollar store too) At the ready to identify any track or caterpillar. I highly recommend you stop manicuring your yard. I'm totally serious. I'm super sorry to my neighbors but I really love that my landlord doesn't mow our yard or landscape it very often. Bugs and wildlife love it wild. If you haven't raised a caterpillar, you are missing out! I admit, when it comes to nature my excitement totally surpasses the kids. I'm sure I've bumped them out of the way before to get a better look at the orioles that hung out here last year. But enthusiasm is infectious. And because I get excited, my kids now point out funnel web spiders with glee. Sure Vinny can identify most of the backyard birds but you'll be his utter best friend if you go on a worm dig with him. Point being, maybe the kids won't LOVE butterflies but there is something for everyone.

I'd list the field guides but there are just too many. Though I totally love these for kids.

We got a few of these plastic aquariums, from a store selling them on clearance but they've been perfect for holding our butterflies and geckos.  Nets are great for catching stuff too. Choose a long one if you're going for butterflies and moths, shorter fabric for ponding.

And the backyard bird ap for the ipad, is totally worth it in my opinion.

This site is great for identfying bugs. http://www.insectidentification.org/

You don't "need" anything to enjoy nature though. It's just helped us get a closer look. I could probably do a whole series of posts on our nature ventures. Maybe I will.

Know what these tracks are? You would if you had a field guide. Or owned a cat.

These are some of my favorite websites for ideas

http://tinkerlab.com/ awesome experiment ideas

http://childhood101.com/playopedia/ Awesome play ideas

http://www.thecraftycrow.net/ Lots of great craft ideas here

http://www.theimaginationtree.com/

http://thekidshouldseethis.com/ this one is an awesome site that finds kids friendly youtube videos. Not kid shows but cool videos that kids would like.

 

http://sandradodd.com/eating/monkeyplatter awesome monkey platter ideas aka snack/meal inspiration

 

 

An since it's been coming up in conversation a lot lately, here is a decent unschooling q&a

http://whyunschool.info/?page=home

I'm not comfortable labeling us unschoolers. Or even homeschoolers, yet. We aren't school age and being home is something that just felt right to us. And honestly I just don't know what our future holds. Our path has had a funny way of taking completely unexpected turns. But unschooling is certainly something I've spent the last year reading about and I find myself referencing stuff here and there more frequently.  There is bad info out there and good info and I just want to save you the google search in case you're curious for more by sending you first to sites I feel comfortable recommending. I don't want anyone to get the idea that unschooling is neglect or unparenting or that I myself advocate either. So for those of you extra curious, here ya go.

http://sandradodd.com/unschooling.html

http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/

 

Stayed tune for all things Ninja. . . There must be another mom and kid looking for kid friendly ninja resources. Since I couldn't find anything on it when we were looking, I'll compile something for the two or three of you out there. At least that way my interweb search skillz can live on ;)

Missing daddy!

 

Hey, daddy! The boys are missing you. Here's what we've been up too.

Vinny came up with an experiment. Can you guess what it was? He called it "Can it handle it?"

 

He attempted to break toothpicks with various items and them recorded the results by tracing each object, taping toothpick, and putting an X on the one that broke. In case you didn't know, toothpicks cannot "handle" hammers but can thunder cat claws.

 

 Rocky started his own experiment too. 

 Originally these were to be used as  building materials along with the toothpicks and looking at our results we would have been better off using them as such.

The kids learned a good lesson that day. Gum drops are gross.

 

 And green apples are better but quite sour.

 

 We got out a map to see where you are right now.

 Then I left to go to the bathroom and well . . . It's a work in progress really. Who doesn't love sticker covered map art?

 The boys decided to take another hour long shower. Here's an after shower yoga move shot.

 We LOVE the samuri castle that grandma gave us. It kept us busy for hours. The GI Joe's fit in too.

Rocky did some stamping. He even got some on the paper.

 We all danced to the song "Kung Fu fighting" in costume.

 

 

Late in the afternoon we headed out to the indoor play place Imajine That. Bebe has been coming along a lot. I might have texted/fb'd/mentioned it a few times, but they DID NOT fall asleep peacefully like I thought they would. In fact it totally backfired.

 

 But today, Tuesday we woke up to snow and animal tracks!

 Vinny and Rocky got to test the snowball maker.

 And throw them at each other. I left out the pic of Rocky crying.

 We even made a evil robot snowman too.

 And naturally Vinny had to try out his his Kung Fu moves.

 I sent them in first so I could turn off your truck (it's still running great). And I came in to find them helping each other. How sweet!

 And we made some hot cocoa. Vinny is posing for you here with his "beer."

Rocky too. Yes those are pjs. Yes it might have been past noon.

Later we went to the library and Rocky decided at the last minute he must wear his "rawr" hoodie. On top of the jacket he was already wearing.

 

Yes, Vinny wore that to the library. And yes people noticed.

 

And for the record those banana, chocolate, kefir popsicles we made, weren't all that great. But at least the night ended well. I even fed the fish and dog. And I finally managed to write this for you!

We miss you!

 

 

 

 

It's peanut butter jelly time!

My circles run pretty crunchy these days so it has been a somewhat lonely adventure, this tv thing. In fact I think I may know more people that do not own a tv than do. But I think many of my friends are curious, so I figured I'd share our experience with television.

I could write a pretty decent essay with awesome references to scientific studies. I went to school for that. I loved it! But there is no study being done on a family like mine, and even if there were, there are so many components to real life that just can't be accounted for. I'm slowly losing my faith in statistics. It's so crushing for a gal like me to realize the world does not fit into neat and tidy boxes.  So I'm gonna just share my own personal journey.

I grew up religious and worried about guarding my heart and senses from worldly material, not because my mom forbid it but because my religion did. I outgrew that but nevertheless I also grew up not watching much tv or listening to music. I'd suck at trivial pursuit unless it was a Bible question. I miss all the references to Saved by the Bell. But given the option to have a tv I could care less if we didn't own one. As a teen my parents even put one in my room. All access any time. I rarely watched it. Once I moved out with my cousin we had two channels. I never missed it. So that's my background. I could easily take it or leave it. Actually I grew to love a quiet house and would prefer to leave it. If I were the only person in the house to contend with that is.

So when I married my husband. . .

Now, Nate, he LOVES tv. He told me once he'd rather eat rocks than cancel our cable. He was for real. So trying to protect my childred from the evils of television proved to be futile. And then I realized it wasn't so evil. I even wrote about it two years ago here. But gosh darn, doesn't a good parent at least restrict things their kids aren't mature enough for?

And so for a few years I did have some limits. Nothing racy (only little kids stuff) and not too much a day. I was quick to blame the tv for bad behavior and frustrated at the thought my kid might prefer tv to that wonderful outdoor play. But it was around, and it wasn't completely corrupting my child.

And then came my venture into unschooling. Radical unschooling at that. And I figured it was time for an adventure. Eventually I lifted all restrictions on tv time. My four year old could watch whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Clarification: whenever Nate wasn't watching. And then, since Nate watches hours and hours of football on Sunday, I found a $10 tv on craigslist to put in his room so he could watch dvds of his favorite shows instead.

And I was worried. And a bit embarrassed when a friend might see that second tv in a child's bedroom. Scared I may be encouraging laziness and consumerism.

And for months we watched hours and hours of tv. We learned about super heroes. We watched every super hero show on cartoon network and the hub. I dvr'd things I thought he might like. I bought him books, costumes, and toys about super heroes. I played super hero games with him. And I sat next to him as we watched even more tv.

And then one day, as I listed the shows available, he became bored with tv. The next day it wasn't even turned on. The next day either. And we went outside per his request and played. Twice. Then finally it rained and we turned it on and he asked to watch Dino Dan instead. And after Dino Dan he wanted to play more. And play and play and play.  And the next day, no tv again and just more requests to play. And our tv binge was finally over.

I don't think tv is done forever. We've learned that tv is fun, interesting, and incredibly inspirational. It's an awesome resource. I'm sure there will be another subject that we discover and I'll fill our DVR and Netflix que with tons more stuff. But for now he's full. He's satiated. Despite what others might think, a four year old is actually capable of "regulating" himself. Even during our highest tv watching days, there was still plenty of playing and doing, whether in front of the tv or not. When he's done, he doesn't take another bite.

So here are some myths and fears this experiement dispelled for me:

1. Children will only regurgitate shows in their play.

Maybe they will if they are limited to very few shows or movies. Children process through play. Sometimes a theme will show up that Vinny saw but it almost always morphes into his own scene. Transformers pair up with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and GI Joes go to birthday parties and bad guys are frequently rehabilitated, often promising to not to do bad things anymore so they can be "friends."

 

This picture was after watching a Lego Ninjas show where the main character trains on an obstacle course. Vinny was ready to "train" and spent the next few hours building a course complete with sharks and competing against his own time to go through it faster.

2. It turns my child a zombie.

It may seem that way, if they are really focused or maybe tired but that's not a bad thing. When Vinny is captivated, it's because he is really interested. Occasionally he zones out but he's a pretty intense guy emotionally. He needs lots of downtime away from people and this is a pretty sweet situation where he can be mellow and still learn a bunch. Though he gets plenty of opportunities to sleep and relax so zoning out is rare.

3. It makes them violent.

On the contrary. Shows like Batman and GI Joes has not only introduced us to weapons but have provided ample material for conversations on ethics and appropriate situations and ways to use weapons both real and pretend. My son knows to always get an adult if he ever sees a gun and how to wield a foam sword without hitting anyone in the face.

  Posing for the camera to share pictures of our homemade nunchucks with his cousin in Utah.

4. It turns them into buyers.

When Vinny discovered commercials, he did want every single toy. And I even bought a few things that he requested. Even the crappy stuff. He quickly picked up that the ads often were different than real deal. He became a savvy consumer, recognizing a "cheap" item from one with better play value. He also learned to trust his mama's advice when I say, "that's a toy that will probably break or get boring quickly."  And there has been a few times, I've been proven wrong. That a cheap crappy toy turns out to be totally worth buying because it's so fun! Did I mention he's also taught himself to fast forward through the commercials?

His all time favorite character is Batman. Batman is also where the most philosophical conversations tend to stem from. Like, "Is it okay to do something bad if you're doing something good?" or "What kinds of things make you go to jail?" We discussed examples such as little brothers who "steal" or breaking into someone's house. We decided if it's to steal, no, but to save a family from fire, yes. And that little brother's don't count if they give the toy back.

5. It causes naughty behavior.

I loved blaming bad behavior on tv. In hindsight it wasn't the tv. If Vinny acts up it's usually because he's tired or restless. As a growing boy he loves physicality above all else. If I don't find ways to incorporate than into rainy days home, he will. Sometimes his way of "excercising" involves couch jumping, or fighting his brother. A detour to jump together on our little indoor trampoline or a dance party are ALWAYs accepted. There is a good reason why. And it's not the tv's fault. If he were reading or painting or driving around in a carseat for hours a day, he'd still need to move. And as a kid who sometimes would forget to eat if he gets caught up in his playing, that's where my job as a mom kicks in. To take from his cues and help him meet his needs.

watching tv upside down

6. It's a bad influence.

My kids do pick up on slang and learn quite a bit about things I haven't introduced. For the most part it's things we don't often see in daily life, like surfing or tumble weeds. Sometimes I'll hear a word like "stupid" get tested. Why am I not worried about this? Because as his best source of reliable information he trusts me over the tv. I really am his biggest influence in life.

And when I'm no longer, I trust that he'll have a good foundation of having made plenty of choices with support. If I see something questionable arise either on screen or in person we discuss it. In the simplest terms I can. And if it's something gets too dark or racy, I'll tell him that it's meant for grown ups or teenagers or may be inappropriate for his age. He already knows that he doesn't like scary things or shows that get too emotional and has yet to protest. And if he did, I'd make sure to stay close and watch him watching. Keep a eye on what he's taking in. Does it seem like it's confusing him? Bothering him? And then we'd most likely find out in play.

7. It reduces creativity.

This one kills me. Anyone who knows Vinny or has read this blog can see that couldn't be farther from the truth. If anything it has promoted it.

Here, he explains why the crocodile has eaten the frog but the frog is still alive in his throat. And that there is an antelope sneaking a drink and how there are lions nearby too.

 

I've already written a saga here but the next few bullets are imperative. My guidelines so to speak. Here is why I think our experiement was so successful. Enough to hand the remote over again.

1. We use common sense.

Vinny had free reign to choose shows but having some life experience I would disclose if I thought something might be too scary. He's quite sensitive to emotional stuff. Climaxes in movies are the worst. Toy Story 3 was quite the cry fest and he put a stop to movies for a solid year after. Even now I will encourage him to  try a movie I think he'll love and pause or turn it at any time. So I would not tune into Friday the 13th and expect all to be well. I  don't use the tv free zone to watch whatever I want. Housewives of Beverly Hills doesn't get turned on until after bedtime. I also have noticed he likes some of the older shows because they are less realistic (Adam West Batman anyone?), so I've helped him find some of those on dvds.

2.  I watch with him.

Not every single show every time, but I am familiar with his shows and make a huge effort to watch shows he watches for the first time, as well as check in regularly so I know what's going on. If an idea enters our play, I like knowing where it might be coming from. But more importantly I use tv to connect with him. A thing we do with each other vs something I use to get things done. And I've found I genuinely enjoy many of his shows.  In fact I'd go as far as saying it has given our whole family new ways to make connections with each other. Turns out Vinny loves 80's cartoons, the very same ones Nate did!

Opening his first old school GI Joe from Nate's childhood era, for Christmas.

3. I actively create a rich home environment.

There are beaucoups of things to do here. From toys to crafts there is no shortage of possibilites. Not only does having a lot of toys and craft supplies make for impromptu nunchuck making, but also allows us to jump right into some rich play experience.

zip line for our GI Joe Ninja Jinx

 

4. I'm aware of my own baggage with tv and keep it my own.

Like I shared before, I have my own story. I want Vinny to create his and to do it in a healthier way. I have a lot of influence and my disapproving attitude could have easily manifiested into something negative between him and I.

I love this quote:

As a child I was taught that fashion and all it entails was "wordly" and that Barbie stuff promoted low self esteem. Baloney! What promoted low self esteem was being told my interests weren't worthy.- Ren Allen

I really think this quote gets to the heart of what parents get wrong. My mom was always a super supportive lady but her subtle comments on a shirt she thought was too flashy because it had too many colors really impacted my future decisions. I don't think it was a coincidence that I spent many years in early adulthood buying monochromatic jackets and sweaters. Maybe I was just too sensitive but I'm taking that experiece to mean, my lack of trust, even in minor things, is a really big deal. And TV is no exception.

5. We stay home a lot.

My kids are little and need lots of downtime. Time to play and time to pursue interests. Time to be bored and time to veg. If we are going from activity to activity, they'd have to prioritize and it's possible that tv or video games would bump outdoor play or dramatic play down. I don't know how much that would matter but I do know right now we have plenty of time to do all of their favorite things. Perhaps when they are older they will choose to do these things and the balance will shift. And school would probably take away quite a bit of that precious time. But I'm getting way ahead of myself. . . Right now we ample of time to play, socialize and you guessed it, watch tv.

Hugging each other while they play the Ipad.

So in conclusion, I didn't start off as a tv person and even advocated to be a tv free family. But it never felt right, trying to take away something my child and husband loved. And I went with it. It has really worked out for us. And I don't think it would be so unique to my family. I'm not encouraging others to drop all limits but I do hope if tv is something rationed and controlled by the grown ups to at least think about why that is. I'm not saying that what worked for us would work for others or whether all my bullet points would transfer the same, but I am saying that it's something worth thinking about if you are talking to others about those "myths" as facts, especially without your own experiment. I certainly expected to be proven right and I turned out to be completely wrong.

I really do feel that patience, a lot of involvement and trust has paid off in a big way for my family. I think if I had been more controlling about tv I would have missed a major opportunity to get to know and connect with Vinny. And while there are plenty of other things to connect over, tv is one that has really counted.

 

 

Here are some excellent pro tv articles that inspired me to take the plunge:

This one is my all time favorite and has been super true for us

http://sandradodd.com/t/economics

This one is a plethora of fun tv thoughts

http://sandradodd.com/tv

And this one hits the core of the matter. The connection with out children.

http://sandradodd.com/t/sharing

Joyce's site is similar to Sandra Dodd's but with a different flavor, all her tv stuff is on the left.

http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/tv%20and%20video%20games/argumentsagainsttv.html

This one is a bit off topic, touching on book worship but same general vicinity:

http://www.jennifermcgrail.com/category/unschooling/

This one is another book one for shits and giggles, (for the record I LOVE books! Just ask Nate):

http://www.theonion.com/articles/books-dont-take-you-anywhere,827/

 

And here are a few books on the top of my to be read pile, no review except it proves there are two sides to every argument with tons of scientific references:

http://www.amazon.com/Everything-Bad-Good-You-Actually/dp/1573223077/ref=wl_it_dp_o_npd?ie=UTF8&coliid=IFQ26ZFHT6YGW&colid=24RAKP04BM9EP

http://www.amazon.com/Killing-Monsters-Children-Make-Believe-Violence/dp/0465036961/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326426495&sr=1-1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Screwing around

Since my husband and I made a concious choice to skip the preschool option and forgo a second income, I get the feeling sometimes he wonders: What the hell do they do all day? He leaves for 10 hours and comes back to a messy house and kids that still don't know the whole ABC song. So I figured I'd put some pictures up of things that are fairly typical to happen on any given day. Since we're home and not at school I imagine it can be tricky to figure out what exactly can be considered learning vs screwing around.

So to better prove how much of a great teacher I am I'll try my best to categorize them into schoolish subjects as well as my own personal description.

Water play.

Or pre mopping.

Fine motor skills. Or wait, life skills. Hang on, art?

Or keeping up the sewing momentum, after helping me sew a pillow for Sasha's xmas gift.

Conflict resolution. Gross motor skills.

Or training for Vinny's dream job of super hero/ninja

Definitely life skills.

Or taking forever to get dressed.

That one is easy: Science! And fine motor skills. Crap! Taking turns is a social skill right?

Or cool Christmas toy fun.

Hmmm. . .

Or organizing. This should totally be in every cirriculum.

 Engineering? Wait that's not a preschool subject.

Or finding new uses for household items.

Where does watching tv fit? This pic is the wicked aftermath of watching too much tv. Including a show with a cheetah. Which inspired a scaled down safari, complete with pirate crocodiles and vulnerable antelope, snakes, turtles and fish. And some antelope chasing. I'm gonna file it under PE.

Or gaining inspiration from television.

Lunch.

Lunch. Actually it was a dinner but such an awesome pic!

Pre writing skills. Fine motor.

Or making necklaces for grandma!

Group work.

Or amazing fun with flashlights and a couple jars filled with oil and colored water.

More science stuff.

What they do while I cook breakfast or dinner.

Life skills?

Or breaking stereotypes.

I got this one! Preschools definitely have sensory play right?

Or never omit the the cornstarch in a play dough recipe again. It got slimy!

I give up. Where does delivery guy play fit in?

What? We spent a whole day trapping bad guys? Yup my kids are screwed.

I mean, I even let them watch cat videos on YouTube.

Or play on the ipad for an hour recording themselves and playing back their recordings over and over and over again.

Clearly I'm a terrible preschool teacher. And dangerous to boot!

How the heck are they gonna learn anything if my kids only do things that are fun?

 

Or . . .

maybe I've planted a seed that learning is fun. That they can love math and science and reading! Because it's everywhere and can happen anytime with anything. That's it's not separate from living.

 

And I could present a pretty darn good case about how I think my job is harder than my husband's. Except that he actually has to leave the kids on a regular basis. Separate himself from us and miss all this awesome learning in action. Limit it to evenings and weekends. And for that I am thankful that he's so generous and willing to make many sacrifices as the only person in the house bringing home the bacon. Because missing this would be much much harder.

So what the hell are we doing all day?

It depends on what you're actually asking.

Are we sitting down learning to read and write? No.

Are we cooking and cleaning all day? Sort of. As much as is needed to keep the dirt monster at bay.

Are we learning? Yes. We are definitely doing a lot of that.

 

 

 

A good bad day.

Some days are more creative than others. 

When things get really hairy, we head outside.

Those aren't specks on your laptop. That's mud on his face. I'm not quite sure how he managed that.

Though I really shouldn't be surprised! 

Trees that the landlord still hasn't picked up for two months? Or . . . Pirate ships!

Vinny had awesome ideas. No pirate ship is complete without a steering wheel! And a place to cook. Cannons and planks too of course. See, having junk around the house and yard is cool.

Gratuitous bird nest shot.

We're supposed to be eating lunch but playdough was more fun.

"Why yes I'm stuffing playdough down my shirt and laughing hysterically about it."

Later after nap came the sticker boxes. Vinny found a stuffed dog who needed a soft place to sleep.

Then his dog got sick. And somehow every other stuffed animal in the house needed to see a doctor.

No time for pictures! Must save animals! At one point he needed to resuce them from "war." Interesting because as far as I know his knowledge of war is based on a chat we had about a war memorial recently. That and Avatar. . .

Except the victims weren't charred by fire nation attacks. Most came in with foot injuries. "They stepped on a stick." Or they had "ear infections." A couple bumped their heads.

Rocky proved to be a good team player in this game. 

Read: Was not pulling anyone's hair!

Except maybe Sasha's.

And since we were "Such good animal rescuers" Vinny took it to superhero status.

Don't worry though. Every wound healed fine and we packed our rolls of bandages away for next time.

And most even got a turn riding Rocky's yippee dog. 

This pic was taken hours after we decorated. Had I taken pics in the moment you would have seen Rocky ripping leaves off, Vinny angry about something, Rocky with blue all over his mouth, Vinny whining, Rocky shoving the markers under the couch, me yelling. And this was after a morning of fighting. Somewhat reluctantly I've discovered the formula to the bad days is fairly simple. Connect more. Even when I don't want to. Because I'm slowly learning a bad morning doesn't mean a whole bad day. And this post is my reminder.

Oh and for the record, putting stickers on boxes lasted 40 minutes today!

 

 

Fall

This is the first fall I haven't gotten excited about. Here in New England it just means winter is acoming. And though it snowed once, these pictures help me remember how lovely fall is. 

 

The boys and I watched these geese grow up from goslings. They liked to stop traffic around my husbands job to cross the street. Quintessential mama goose with babies in tow stuff.

Have a safe flight geese. And hopeflly we'll see you next year.

This farm is by our house. It's one of Rocky and Vinny's most favorite places in the world.

Just last year Vinny couldn't get the last bits of veg from the box over the fence. But look at him now.

We typically take a stroll arond the property. In summer we pass by corn, pumpkins, berries, apples, and peaches. 

I certainly have no problems finding pictures of Vinny with no face. Here he is drawing a "map."

All was peaceful, until Rocky spotted  geese (different flock).

Despite the path on the other side of this field, Rocky chose to take the short cut.

Except in his world, there is not such thing as a short cut and he quickly gets distracted.

Look a rock!

Oh and dirt. Lots of glorious, dusty, powdery dirt!

So irresistable that big brother joins in.

If a picture could capture their personalities, this may be the one. Rocky flinging dirt and creating quite the dust cloud, without a care. Vinny meticulously examining and wiping his hands before grabbing another handful.

We finally leave that dirt pile. And found a few more on the way back.

Stomping on each others long shadows.

And checking out the blackbirds.

Goodbye birds. 

Birthday Boy

Vinny turned 4 last month. 

Here he is as a baby.

When he used to wear whatever I picked out.

And smelled like fresh baby goodness.

When he only wanted mommy.

I used to take lots of pictures of his feet.

And the back of his head.

Because the smallness reminded me of how vulnerable this little guy was.

And as he became "willful"

and more independent

those images would help remind me that my little boy is growing so fast.

But that he still needs me

to be patient with him, 

as he discovers his own truths and passions *

as a completely separate person and not a mini me.

To help preserve how awesome he really is.

Happy Birthday big boy!

 

*this scene went like this:

Vinny "Mom ask me who I am"

Me: "Who are you?"

Vinny, ripping off mustache: "I'm a ninja in disguise!"

The many faces of Rocky . . .

that all look mischievous.

 

Intrigued.

(found cake on the table, helped himself by climbing a chair)

Focused

(on eating stolen cake)

Ecstatic!

(found out he can touch the forbidden chandelier)

What's the face for brotherly lion like roaring?

Apparently goofy.

Is generous a face? Love that kid!

About divorce.

 A few months ago Nate and I stood in the dining room fighting. Our fights are rarely volatile and this one was no exception. No tempers flaring, no objects thrown, no neighbors calling the cops, no doors slammed, yelling or even name calling. But as I finished my carefully executed statement about how I no longer felt we had anything in common besides kids after five years of marriage,  he looked at me and told me he felt like I was breaking up with him. And in a way I suppose I was. Mentally.  And so was he. We wondered how we got here, when for the most part, we've been a fairly successful couple. I don't think we'd be on any of our friend's top 10 or even 20 list of likely to divorce couples. But there we were wondering why we should both compromise things that made us both unhappy. Neither of us spoke the words aloud but I promise you the thought was something along these lines, "If marriage is so hard and makes us so unhappy, wouldn't splitting up be the opposite of that?"

And then I read this about divorce on an unschooling website: Don't even wonder. Don't even waste a minute of your time considering it. All your energy should be directed at solutions within your marriage. If you are a single parent, there will be no energy for much of anything.

All this time I had been resentful that I "should feel lucky." I mean, he doesn't cheat on me, he doesn't beat me, he is a good father. Shouldn't I feel grateful? Um, maybe 50 years ago! So yeah, I wanted more. But then I watched a Dan Savage video called the price of admission on accepting undesirable traits in our significant others because it's a small price to pay to be with someone of good character. That no one is going to match that perfect ideal because it doesn't exist. But that you really are lucky to find a person with similar values and the fact that he doesn't "put the lunch meat away" shouldn't be a deal breaker.

Pretty grim huh?

Okay so here is where Nate and I  were going wrong and what changed. See it has a happy ending afterall. 

1. We aren't responsible for each other's happiness. In fact if you can find your own ways of making yourself happy you'll be better off than 90+% of the world. (rough estimate)

2. Nate and I made each other feel unsafe by having the d word even in our thoughts. Neither of us actually want a divorce so we got rid of it as an option. Now that we're stuck with each other we can stop worrying, wondering, and focus on how much we really do love each other.

3. If you want something to change start by doing it yourself. I hate that he throws his clothes on the floor. I can expend energy nagging him or I can pick it up myself. 

4. We all have choices. Seems like it counters #2 but that's not a choice anymore so I'm talking about #3. I can pick up the clothes or just leave them. Or if it's really important to me I can talk to him about it. But I don't "have to" do everything myself. Or even feel resentful. I can choose to let go of that feeling.

5. Being positive really does work. Lest I sound too much like a hippie, I'll just say, the mind is a very powerful thing and positive thinking is indeed life changing. 

Sorry nothing life shattering. It all really does boil down to a change in perspective. Changing the way *I* not Nate thinks, has been my newest secret to discovering love and happiness. If it still feels like "sucking it up" refer back to #1. and #4. When I'm in charge of my own actions and reactions I feel much more empowered than spending extra energy waiting for my husband to fit my ideal vision. Yes we can compromise and talk and help each other out but he is his own person and may not always share my enthusiasm for a clean floor. Am I okay with that? I am when I focus on what a wonderful father, husband and friend he really is. The good thing about positive thinking is it's contagious. Does he remember to pick up his clothes because I'm smiling more? Not always. Is he more willing to listen to my requests or do nice things for me when I'm in a good mood? Absolutely. 

 I'm sharing this because I'm in a great relationship with a great man, great family, living a great life. Yet I sometimes feel overwhelmed, angry, resentful and I know Nate does too. We're human. I imagine others can relate. I think our society helps feed the divorce myth with the impression that the grass is greener. It's an easy one to entertain. Thank goodness we won't have to find out, for us even more commitment was the remedy. I have gained so much from other internet stories, it was my karmic turn. I won't say I know what any other relationship needs but perhaps it can open dialogue for others ;) 

And if you wonder how Nate feels, I'll share a flattering bit he wrote. For all the joking around he does, here's what 5 years of marriage looks like for us. Yup,  looks like ever after for us. For better or for worse ;)